Tuesday, April 22, 2014
The other day I met someone who likes the film Joe's Apartment. Until that moment I had always assumed no such person existed.
Not only that, I assumed no one was even capable of liking Joe's Apartment. Global warming, evolution, the age of the Earth―sure, I get it. We can't all agree on those things. But I felt certain we could all agree on the worthlessness of Joe's Apartment. I thought we could all agree that Joe's Apartment was a travesty. A film for no one.
"Have you seen Joe's Apartment?" the man asked me.
"The one with the cockroaches?" I asked, wanting to keep my distance from Joe's Apartment.
"Yeah," he said, as a smile wrapped itself around his toothless face. "Freakin' hilarious."
So this is the type of person who likes Joe's Apartment, I thought to myself, studying the man.
"I love that movie," he went on to say, unknowingly correcting me.
I have nothing against the man who loves Joe's Apartment. But whenever I see him I have to suppress memories of the trailer for Joe's Apartment. (And I have something against Joe's Apartment.)
There's not a single unique thing about the man who loves Joe's Apartment. Which means there must be plenty of other people who also love Joe's Apartment. (I realize this is an astonishing thing to believe. But now that this man has been discovered, the evidence clearly supports it.)
How did I end up somewhere in life where I have to spend eight hours a day in the vicinity of a man who loves Joe's Apartment?
Do the man's friends also love Joe's Apartment? Who are his friends, exactly? Am I surrounded by lovers of Joe's Apartment?
What about his wife―does she love Joe's Apartment? It's hard to believe that someone who doesn't love Joe's Apartment would ever marry a lover of Joe's Apartment...
What does the man love more: his wife, or Joe's Apartment?
No longer can I be comforted in my belief that it's impossible for anyone to love Joe's Apartment.
If we can't all agree on Joe's Apartment, we shouldn't ever hope to agree on whether or not the Earth is more than 6,000 years old or whether or not the planet is getting warmer―after all, those things can be measured. But there is no device yet strong enough to measure the stench that collects in the hallway outside of Joe's Apartment. It's unquantifiable. Anomalous.
I will never be able to argue with this man about the lack of merit in the film Joe's Apartment. No other films will count as evidence against it, no matter their quality. He loves Joe's Apartment and that's that. When he's feeling depressed he'll pop in his old VHS of Joe's Apartment and relax into a state of bliss (I can only assume that no one has been short-sighted enough to have released Joe's Apartment on DVD).
To tell the truth, I've never even seen Joe's Apartment.
But I have seen into the eyes of the man who loves Joe's Apartment.