Tuesday, September 14, 2010

shattering illusions

Have you, like me, been eating kiwifruit incorrectly your entire life? From day one I've been wrong about kiwi. I was taught to peel its outer skin with a knife, which, aside from being tedious, usually wastes a lot of pulp. (When I say "incorrectly" I mean any way that does not yield the highest net pulp and the lowest net time and effort.) I never once thought about doing it a different way.

Recently I was shown the correct way to eat kiwi. I know it's the correct way because there is no other way to eat kiwi more efficiently. It's very simple, and I'd like to share it with those of you who, like me, have been living in the dark ever since eating your first kiwi. In fact, it's so simple and obvious that, once you see the way, some of you might try to convince yourselves that you've been eating kiwi correctly all along. "Of course that's how I eat kiwi! There simply can be no other way to eat kiwi, and I wouldn't be foolish enough to try another way even if there was one!"

It's true. There is no other way to eat kiwi. I know this now that I know the correct way. I've finally come to terms with this. Believe me, I've thought about it for quite some time. I didn't want to be wrong about kiwi. I didn't want to have to acknowledge that my entire way of thinking about kiwi was wrong, but I was finally forced to admit it. And then I started to wonder: who has seen me eat kiwi? Did they know I was eating it incorrectly, or did they not know the correct way? If they knew the correct way, why didn't they tell me? Were they laughing at me? Was it disbelief? I will never know. And I'm forced to live with that.

Yes, I finally came to understand that I had indeed been wrong about kiwi, but just because I had this new knowledge and understanding didn't mean I wanted to forever change the way in which I ate kiwi! I thought about my options. The only other choice was to never eat another kiwi, not even in private. But kiwis are delicious. I wanted to eat them again. So, after trying my darndest to find a way out of my kiwi conundrum, I was left with no other choice but to change the way in which I eat kiwi. Those of you who are already living in this enlightened state -- perhaps because you were taught by an enlightened adult when you were a kid, or, more impressively, because you cracked the kiwi code on your own -- will no doubt be horrified to find out that many people spend their entire lives eating kiwi incorrectly. And, sadly, most of them don't even know it. Please forgive them. And teach them.

* * *

The correct way to eat kiwi.

1.) Acquire a ripe kiwi.

2.) Get a knife (any kind will do). Note: this method does not require you to wash the kiwi.

3.) Find the center of the kiwi and cut the kiwi in half. (Don't be embarrassed if you end up with a 60 / 40 split on your first try. It takes practice.)

                                                                      sometimes the kiwi will emit a glow of light (happiness)
                                                                      when it realizes it is about to be eaten correctly

4.) Get a spoon. Dig in and scrape the fruit from the skin. Get close but not too close. Eat the kiwi residing on your spoon. (This is doubly enjoyable if you have a few kiwis and take them outside to eat with a friend on a nice summer day.)

5.) Repeat until the pulp is gone.

6.) Smile with deep satisfaction. The leftover shell of the kiwi should be composted, made into a hat, or thrown into the woods. Use a regular trash can if you have no other option. The most highly skilled eaters may wish to use their shell as a drinking cup. Less highly skilled eaters should not attempt this because the cup will leak.


Ha'Penny Dreadfuller said...

I was initially excited when I began reading this post; however, this quickly became a deep sadness when I realized you had been deceived yet again. You see, the method you have enumerated is indeed superior to the peel, and indeed is a method I have myself used in my naïveté. But your spoon method has only begun to reach for the peaks of a fresh kiwi experience. For this true bliss, you must follow these simple steps:
1. Obtain a fresh, ripe kiwi.
2. Eat the kiwi, biting through the flesh and indeed consuming every last morsel except the rough bit at one end where it was attached to the rest of the plant.
3. Marvel.

Hectocotylus said...

No! You're wrong, I'm sure of it. I'll give it a try, but even if your way somehow proves that the way I outlined above is not THE CORRECT WAY, you've still left out a crucial step in order to make your way look better than it actually is: WASH THE KIWI! (The fact that you left this out proves to me that you're a mere propagandist. Your lies have no place here.)

Furthermore, your way also REQUIRES chewing whereas, with THE CORRECT WAY, chewing is optional.

Hectocotylus said...

PS: I almost forgot! Picture 3 shows physical proof that the way I outlined is indeed THE CORRECT WAY! ("sometimes the kiwi will emit a glow of light (happiness) when it realizes it is about to be eaten correctly.") I shudder to think what the kiwi might emit once it realizes it's about to be crammed whole into someone's mouth. (Screams, no doubt!)

Hectocotylus said...

Finally tried this. A horrible experience. It's impossible to eat a kiwi this way without drenching your entire hand in its juices. How convenient that you failed to mention such a thing! (Of course, it's easy to see why you left it out: rinsing your hand is yet another step! ...Did you honestly think I wouldn't notice?)

The kindest thing I can say about you is that you're completely delusional if you genuinely think you've discovered a three-step method. However, it's much more likely that you're a vile propagandist who already knows that the long sought after three-step method is just a myth.

Furthermore, I think my hand is still sticky.